I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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