Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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