literally had 100 drinks last night.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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