Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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