New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
