mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
