Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
