I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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