P.S. I can't hear my feet
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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