dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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