happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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