we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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