Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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