My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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