I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
