FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
