I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
