is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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