last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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