I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
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I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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