i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
