Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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