my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I skipped work to stalk him.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
