Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
