dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
