Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I enjoy the company of your penis
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
