i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
