dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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