can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
