How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
