My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Randomize
