If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
