I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
