meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I pour the whiskey from now on
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
