were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
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There's always time for handjobs
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
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I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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