I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
