There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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