Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
