At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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