My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
