God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
