I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
