I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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