Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
