he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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