I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's blow job season.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
