I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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