remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
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