I cannot find my penis.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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