Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
