peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
