Your dad touched me again.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
