Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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