so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She's the barista slut.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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