Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She bit a glass in half.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
whose parrot is this?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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