Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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