my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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