he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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